Random Kahless

I am Sparticus

2011-12-02T22:55:00.002Z

This afternoon as I was leaving work I stopped and had a chat with one of my team about the forthcoming weekend. What are you up to he asked. I said that I may watch a rerun of Sparticus.

"Who's Sparticus? " he asked.
I stood in disbelief. Just at that time another team member walked by and I asked if he knew who Sparticus was.
"No, who is Sparticus?"

I AM SPARTICUS, I replied and went home. Feeling just that little bit older.
Secret Santa will be purchasing a copy of Sparticus for the team. And I am old.

Bloody hell

2011-11-24T22:09:00.003Z

Is it really 5 smonths since I posted?

Somehow I remembered my password and on the spur of the moment feel inspired to throw down some bullets about what has happened in 2011 for me. That is assuming anyone is actually interested lol! But what the fuck, I will be arrogant and pretend.

1. Still a non smoker. Over 11 months.

2. About a stone fatter as a result.

3. Mrs K has not been well and will have her gall bladder removed next month.

4. There is a chance that I will be unemployed by Feb.

5. Holly and Ben are still as cute as ever.

You lookin' at me?

2011-04-30T00:15:00.000+01:00

Israel

2011-03-04T20:14:00.005Z

Just got back from a few days in Israel - Mrs K and I visited Tel-Aviv and Jerusalem. Here are some pictures..

Stalled

2011-01-15T23:49:00.003Z

I don't smell vanilla in the air in 2011, but I smell change.

And as I write this it is just before midnight and the phone is ringing - what the fuck? - I didn't pick up.

Most of us start a new year with resolutions. I don't. But I started the year different in 2011 than I entered 2010.

I quit smoking on the 17th Dec and haven't looked back.
I quit (ish) biting my nails 5 months ago. (ish means all but 2 fingers)
And I am now able to sport a short haircut.

But now I stall. Medicine is still investigating the blood in my urine. And now I have high blood pressure. When I am chilled in is 140/80 and during my working day it is 160/80. I guess that explains why I thought my eyesight was so poor and the background headache. And I feel so darn wound up.

And I feel cheated. Cos I bet they are going to tell me to quit salt (though I do take food with it) alcohol and loose 7 lbs.

That leaves me no vices and a boring life.

Get me out of here!

2010-12-12T23:38:00.002Z

Mrs K was coming back from Athens on Tuesday, flying with Easyjet.

You know what it is like, as the aircraft ascends into land with all crew and passengers buckled in; everyone is silent in anticipation. Well not on this flight.

One of the female passengers went berko. She unbuckled her seatbelt and used another ladies hair as a grab rail to launch herself up.

Mrs K was at the front of the plane and the incident was at the back. She said that she heard a scream, then a voice which sounded like that from The Exorcist.

"Help me..."
"I am getting out..."

And with that the lady attempted to open the rear aircraft door. Mrs K then heard someone say

"OMG, she is opening the door"

I can picture the scene, can you?

Then the crew rang through to the pilot, and his instructions from traffic control was to abort the landing. So then the plane started a steep vertical climb, with said passenger still trying to open the door. At this point several other passengers left their seat and grabbed the lady. Apparently she is still thrashing around. After circulating for ten minutes and unable to subdue the lady, the plan of action was for two burly men to restrain the lady to land. So they sat atop of her, on the floor, as the aircraft landed.

Sunday night

2010-12-12T22:56:00.004Z

Had a busy weekend really, doing chores. Actually I don't know why I have used the word 'chore' as I have been quite content achieving a few things, namely ...
+ tidying out all the crap from the dining room to enable us to eat Christmas dinner in there
+ mounting a TV on the wall
+ pressure hosing the yard (the slabs were very green and slippie!)
+ cleaning the oven (took 2 hours because I haven't done it for probably a year!)
+ paying the bills
+ cleaning the car, filling up the washer fluid etc
+ playing with the dogs for ages
+ doing the Christmas food shop of non perishables. Basically this means stockpiling three weeks worth of dog food, tins etc

I like it when I can sit down on a Sunday evening and feel that I have achieved.

In terms of my health, I am in for a hysteroscopy on the 20th. I am still also peeing blood and the urologist - having found no reason as to why - has referred me to a nephrologist, just in case the underlying reason is autoimmune. I guess that appointment will be in January. I am quite pleased with myself that after 22 years I have stopped biting my nails, well all but one! I am keeping them all cut short and they look kind of good.

As regards Christmas shopping, well, hopefully I will get that sorted this week.
xx

Four things I have been mulling over recently...

2010-12-01T22:21:00.003Z

1. The truth in the quote "we judge ourselves on our intentions but others on their behaviour"
2. Trying to understand what someone said to me a few weeks ago - "Maybe you have trouble trusting others because you don't trust yourself" (haven't figured that one out yet)
3. What I am going to buy Mrs K for Christmas (now figured out)
4. What I want for christmas (there is nothing I want and mrs K is nagging me for a list!)

Bloglines

2010-10-17T21:42:00.001+01:00

Bloglines shuts down on 1st November. Can anyone recommend an alternative RSS reader which is easy to manage blog subscriptions on?

Pants

2010-10-16T23:56:00.004+01:00

This weekend I have felt a mixture of fretting and now anger. Anger with myself, or maybe more specifically my body.

I got the letter from the hospital and I have two scans monday morning. I have spent hours on the internet trying to work out what is wrong with me. Yes, it could be anything. And yes, I shouldn't be scanning the internet. But I have now made my mind up. I have been piecing bits and pieces together.

I think potentially my Crohn's is back. After 21 years. This is seriously annoying me. I do not want to have any more colonoscopies. I hate the bowel prep I have to take first. Makes me vomit. I once vowed never again, but do I really have a choice. I will hate it that people will put it down to "stress." Actually that is bullshit. Ain't nowt to do with stress. More likely to do with what I have gone through a couple of years back and my swallowed feelings.

Boy am I angry with myself. Either for having a weak body, or alternatively fretting when I may have no need to.

Hoorah!

2010-10-13T23:59:00.002+01:00

It has been truly moving, amazing and joyful to watch the Chilean Miners return to the surface today. Isn't it fabulous and uplifting news.

Hoorah to see survival in action.

Wish me luck

2010-10-13T21:13:00.003+01:00

Well a couple of posts ago, I told you guys about the blood in my urine. All other urine tests were fine.

Well I saw a urologist tonight. Over the last week I have done some research on the internet and had decided what was wrong with me. Given my Crohns I am high risk of kidney stones, so that is what I decided was wrong with me. (I nearly said that to the doc to save his time!)

Anyway he gave me an ultrasound and my kidneys are fine. It seems you cannot rely on the diagnosis websites on the internet. Oh well.

However, apparently there is "something in my lower abdomen."

"What?" I asked the consultant.

He gave one of those silly half laughs and said "well we need to find that out."

"Any initial thoughts?" I ventured.

"Maybe gynae or bowel issues."

I was somewhat alarmed that he went to the radiology department there and then to try to fit me in with the radiologist for a further scan tonight, but he had gone home. So he said they would ring me first thing in the morning and fit me in tomorrow. I dont like it when tests are done quickly. Not a particularly good sign.

The ole faithful internet explained the scan to me. I wish I hadn't looked. The scan is a "Transvaginal Scan." - legs in stirrups jobbie. Probe, etc. I know too much information. Sorry. I am feeling rather apprehensive. Wish me luck.

I shouted at the TV today.

2010-09-18T20:32:00.002+01:00

I had SKY News on in the background whilst doing chores today and the coverage has been of the Pope's visit to the UK. I find Ann Widdecombe irritating at the best of times, but today I was well angry with her. The silly *****. As you may know, there has been much said of the clergy paedophiles and subsequent church cover-up. And much said on TV today too, with many protestors voicing their views. Ann Widdecombe, on TV, said "The Pope's apologised, I wish now people would shut up so we can move on and listen to the messages the Pope has to say."

I bet she is a classic exsmple of a middle-aged Catholic.

Peas in a pod

2010-09-17T23:55:00.002+01:00

They same animals can take a likeness of their owner.
You all know how much I love my boy, Ben.
And you may remember how my Boy was ill earlier this year, peeing blood.
Well it seems like I (the animal) is taking the likeness of my dog, Ben (owner!) in that I am peeing blood. My doctor doesnt think it an infection. I have done two samples, a week apart, with blood. A third sample and I am off to a Urologist. I hope I dont end up with tests that include a tube shoved up me!

For Mago

2010-08-29T21:38:00.001+01:00

Hi Mago,

With regard to your comment "Hello Kahless - how are you doing? Are you around? Overwhelmed with work? Please excuse my curiosity. I'd really like to hear from you again." I thought I'd answer with a post.

How Am I doing?
Ok. On the whole I am having a pretty good year but I am still taking a very low dose of anti-depressants. I tried to come off two months ago, but I spotted the signs of the way my mind was thinking oddly that I needed to go back on them quickly. Strangely I am thinking a lot about my parents of late, almost daily, and imagining hearing that they have died. See I am a morbid fellow.

Are you around?
Yes, I log onto my PC at least 4 times a week and I read my emails on my blackberry every day. I have been thinking about my blogging. I can't blog like I used to as I am too concerned someone from work will track me down and read it. So I need to reinvent my blog I guess. Not sure where to take it really.

Overwhelmed with work?
I am working hard, but keeping my head above water. I am developing alot in my new role which takes mental energy, but I am doing fine. I am conscious of being a role model and that seems to give me most brain time.

Thanks for asking Mago. I am around, but not much to say.

Footage I took on Safari

2010-08-06T21:54:00.003+01:00

If you can bear to listen to the wind blowing, you will be rewarded by hearing the lion roar about half way through....

[ps I shot this on my camcorder in SA]

Three things I discovered recently whilst in South Africa

2010-08-01T00:51:00.004+01:00

1. The waxing and waning of the moon (i.e. the crescent) looks different in the northern and southern hemisphere. At the equator it is on the bottom horizontal and never at the top horizontal due to the moons ecliptic path. (From Jo'burg it looked on the horizontal.)

2. There are more species of plant around Table Mountain than in the whole of the UK.

3. If the earth was created at noon, and now is midnight, then man started walking the earth two minutes ago.

Wow, is it really over two months since I last posted

2010-07-26T19:24:00.008+01:00

The reason I haven't been around, is just life. I have had other things which have taken priority with my time. That will continue for the forseeable future but I havent lost interest in blogging and will pop in when I can.

In the meantime, I have recently had a holiday in South Africa so here are some photo's. My intention is to write up the trip, but that may just be a good intention.....

So South Afica has stunning scenery...

This is from the Cape...

This is the private Game Reserve we stayed for four nights...

The wildlife was breathtaking

A Zebra Crossing...

We visited a Penguin Colony...

And we met some of the Orlov Family ...

I laughed so much, I nearly wet myself!

2010-05-11T18:16:00.003+01:00

Mrs K is in Poland tonight. I rand her at the hotel and got put through to her room. Wen she answered, I said (and it is really hard to put in writing)

"fdsiu rewfhehqhi few iocmforeiyqmcfue lehcfeqcfiue; qpiufewmxpufoe"

she said "pardon"

"d ;qlimeoiwmxqre reucemi ceiowumcfegzbrtswq nucoei"

"I am sorry, do you speak English?"

I replied, "of course I do" and we both started laughing. I had her fooled! She thought I was speaking polish lol!

Anyway, I am sure it is not so funny if you weren't there.

I guess I have been away from blogland quite a bit recently. The reason is I have been so busy with my new role at work. I am absolutely loving it - it is great being the boss! - but I am working hard as I want to be a success in my new role. Its a real big step up in my career.

Next week Mrs K and I are going to Madrid for a few days (volcano permitting) which should be nice. Football of course. Then its only a month until the World Cup starts - yippee. Mrs K and I are going out at the end of June to South Africa.

Health wise I am good, though Mrs K has high cholesterol! Ben has been peeing blood free for a number of months now and is back to his mischievous self. Holly is as happy as ever.

So life is good, if not busy. I am on my way round to see how you are doing now. That is, after I have eaten my tea which is a big bowl of chips!

xx

Happy Birthday

2010-04-24T09:17:00.002+01:00

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear me,
Happy Birthday to me.

!!

I am attending the birthday bash Etheral Highway threw me at the mo.....

I seem to be really into politics at the moment!

2010-04-22T21:24:00.002+01:00

***** This is a copy of an email chain I sent the Conservative Party leader tonight *****

Dear Mr Cameron,

I am trying to understand the views of your candidate for ***** and how she would represent me if I voted for her this general election. I have written to both herself and the labour candidate, ******. Mr ****** has responded to my questions but Ms A******** has not. Is my vote not wanted by the Conservative party?

I would appreciate it if you could prompt her to respond to my questions (see below.)

Kind regards

*****

-----Original Message-----From: *****
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2010 15:49:27 EDTSubject: Fwd: A couple of questionsTo: ****

Dear A****,

I wrote to you a week ago and have received no reply nor acknowledgement (see original email below.) I am still keen to hear from you, although I must say that I am now wondering that if you ignore my correspondence when you seek my vote, what will happen if you are my representative in parliament and don't need my vote - would you truly represent me?

I am keen to hear your views

Kind regards

****

-----Original Message-----
From: ******
Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2010 16:56:59 EDTSubject: A couple of questionsTo: *****
Dear A****,

I am considering who I should vote for in this general election and I have a couple of questions for you. I will be open with you in saying I am unsure about whom I should vote for. A traditional conservative voter who is sitting on the fence and unsure whether to vote conservative or labour.

The economy is of concern to me and it will be a good number of years before this country will emerge from the dark cloud. If I vote on the basis of the economy then my vote would be conservative.

However, other issues are important to me and as such I have a couple of questions for you.

1. I was rather concerned about the comments made recently by the Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling in stating that B&B owners should be able to turn away gay couples. What is your view on this? What is your view on equal gay rights? What are your parties views? How are these views being demonstrated?

2. I am also concerned about the how disabled people are treated. I believe that disabled people are a group severely prejudiced against in society. Equality needs investment in infrastructure. How are you and the Conservatives going to ensure equality for disabled people?

3. Public sector defined benefit pension schemes are unsustainable. Most private sector companies have now closed these schemes. How are the conservatives going to tackle this?

I would like to understand your views on these topics in particular and also how you would represent me in parliament.

Kind Regards

******

Lies, damn lies, and politics

2010-04-15T23:08:00.002+01:00

Is it not said that you don't talk about religion or politics?

Well, that is why I turned off comments to my last post; politics.

I love it that we have a general election. I love it that we live in a democracy. But I don't want to attract controversy or get into some political debate. I must say I am not sure who I will vote for yet. It will be either Conservative or Labour. The worst thing we could have is a hung parliament so I will not waste my vote for any other party.

Lies, Damn Lies

2010-04-11T01:36:00.002+01:00

And Politics.

So I get to excercise my vote in a couple of weeks. I must say this is the first time I have been undecided in an election. I am not sure - btw - that I have ever voted for for a winner, in a general election. And I always vote for one of the two major parties.

Mrs K has been a staunch conservative all of her life. For the first time in her entire life she is going to vote Labour! Because she has campaigned in the disability arena for the last few years and the only interested party has been labour. She has seen MPs at work and respects the hard work of the labour politicians.

I think as a country we are going to be deluged with general strikes over the next year or so. Whoever wins. The issue is public sector spending. It is way too much and we have to cut back. I wish we could tackle public sector pensions. We need to shut final salary (defined benefit schemes.) That is what the private sector has done.

This isn't justice

2010-03-16T21:05:00.003Z

Read this news article.

What is more outrageous?

1. The parents of an abused 4 year old boy accepted hush money from the abuser?
or..

2. The convicted abuser didn't get a custodial sentance?

or..

3. The parents wern't prosecuted?

Madness.

Green eyed boy

2010-03-07T12:40:00.002Z

Poor Ben - he continues to have a tough time of it. Last week he was squinting so I took him to the vets and he has a big scratch across his eye. You can see the green dye they put in to see it.

The reason he has a scratch is because his eyes must have been bothering him - the vet diagnosed 'dry eye.' Basically a rare side effect from his last set of pills is that his eyes stop producing tears. What alarmed me was the vet said they may never come back.

So poor Ben is feeling pretty miserable as I am having to put lubrication in four times a day. The vet also prescribed pain killers. After two days of them Mrs K happened to look at the bottle. He was prescribed 20units once a day but I had been giving it to him twice a day. I could have killed him. No wonder he has been falling over these last few days. I feel pretty bad about it, but thankfully I think it is OK now. I lucky let off.

And the poor boy is still peeing blood. He is very good and never gets irritable.

In other news I have been very busy at work now my boss has left. I had my real first test of my Leadership last week and I think I failed it. I cant go into specifics about work on my blog, but I am hoping to rectify it this week.

Anyway, I'll sign off here as i want to go visit your blogs....

Three reasons to celebrate

2010-02-20T01:14:00.002Z

1. A British Gold medal at the Winter Olympics = Amy Williams
2. I went to the Brits on Tuesday - Lady GaGa stole the show.
3. I have been promoted at work - hence I have been so busy and have had less blogging time

Yeh!

Smallbones

2010-02-03T18:51:00.004Z

Wow my blogging has been infrequent and irregular in 2010 so far. I guess life is just pulling me in a variety of directions. I am definitely not quitting blogging, just not as regular a visitor at the mo.

One of the things that has absorbed me of late is the research I have been doing into my ancestry. I am using on-line information - though I think I have exhausted much of that route now - such as:
- census data (available for every 10 years between 1841 to 1911.) This is cool as the latter census' contain the handwriting of the heads of household.
- birth, marriage and death registration from 1837
- some parish records pre-dating 1837 ...
- WW1 military records
- WW1 medal records
- Passenger lists
- access to other people family tree's

To give you some highlights of what I have come up with on my ancestry, I have 258 people in my tree to date, across 44 surnames and 45 marriages. On one leg of my tree I have gone back 9 generations to 1674.

In terms of occupations of my ancestors, I think the strangest is "fun seal fir stuffer", but mainly my forebears were coalminers, watchmakers, lime burners, dressmakers, tanners, farmers, shoemakers and tin roller-men.

In terms of surnames, one ancestor was a "Lovelock" and another a "Smallbones" - kind of strange surnames don't you think? In terms of forenames two of my ancestors were called "Fanny."

Most of my ancestors, if they survived childhood, tended to live into their eighties or nineties. I have even the war record of a couple of them.

In terms of origin, I have one Scot and a number of Welsh in my bloodline, but mainly my family are from Somerset, Wiltshire and London.

Can you understand my interest? It has also sidetracked me a bit as I am finding out more about Victorian history in particular.

Anyway, I am going to shoot now as I want to go visit some of your blogs to catch up on your news....

Magnificent

2010-01-22T19:05:00.002Z

I hadn't realised that it has been so long since I posted. I guess my spare time has been absorbed by my research into my ancestry and also learning more about Victorian Britain. I am nearly finished with exhausting a lot of easy internet research so I will probably be back to more regular blogging.

In the meantime, watch this, it is magnificent..

Conspiracy Theory

2010-01-01T18:38:00.002Z

Firstly Happy New Year to you all - I hope 2010 is a fabulous year for us all.

Mrs K, the dogs and I had a good christmas. We spent 4 days relaxing and in fact didnt step outside the front door once. We watched loads of TV, ate heaps and I didnt turn on the computer at all. Instead I played some basketball and table tennis on the Wii.

I was back at work for 3 days but it was easy as not many people were in so I caught up on a load of admin.

The last week of the year saw the Chinese Government execute a British Citizen - Akmal Shaikh - I am against capital punishment but what made this act even more disgusting was the fact that Akmal was purportedly mentally ill - which led him to commit the drug smuggling - yet the Chinese Government refused a medical examination. It appears that the British government appealed to the Chinese for clemency, but I do wonder if this man had been white and christain, would there have been a different outcome?

In other news this week another british citizen - Peter Moore - was released by middle-eastern hostages. Rumours abound that he had been held in Iran. Did you know the Chinese have much influence in Iran. I think there may be some link to the execution of Akmal. Maybe the Chinese 'owed' the British Government one?

I hate it that Governments try and play God.

Anyway, I am just about to go search by stars for 2010! I reckon 2010 will bring change, but things will be good.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T21:11:00.002Z

I hope you all have a peaceful and happy Christmas.

Catch you in a few days time.

xx.

Grinding

2009-12-16T22:14:00.002Z

I went to the dentist today. I was due for my annual check-up and I have had tooth ache when I eat these past few weeks. Though I could have lived with that. The impetus for the visit was because Mrs K broke her bridge and she booked a dual appointment.

Anyway the toothache is because I have broken a back tooth. The dentist then got a mirror and pointed out to me the fact that I am grinding my teeth a lot. He showed me fracture lines in my teeth and polished fillings and a few other chips. I must be doing it in my sleep I guess. He said I need to de stress and chill out. Otherwise I may need to start wearing protection in my mouth at night.

I told Mrs K what he said and she said she had noticed that I have been really stressed out for a while. That I need to chill out about work. Actually my nails are really bitten down at the moment amongst other things. I am stressed though I think I have it under wraps. Maybe that is why I havent been blogging much lately. I can't seem to keep still.

I think I have changed in the last couple of months

2009-12-12T00:44:00.000Z

Hello hello

2009-12-11T21:37:00.003Z

It seems it has been a while since I have blogged. Don't know why really, I guess I have just pulled back from t'internet. Except of course to play a few on-line games.

I think I will blog via a list.

1. Mrs K is away this weekend; its a bit weird really - what I am going to do? Usually I resist putting up Crimbo decorations until Christmas eve and then I want to take them down on the 27th! They are so untidy. But that is a contra-diction in terms for me as I can be one hell of a messy bugger. I thought I would put them up this weekend so when Mrs K returns on Monday she will be pleasantly surprised (she loves decorations.) She is always pestering me to get some outside lights so I actually bought some this morning; 200 lights! I am sure I will be cursing by mid-day tomorrow.

2. After spending in excess of 2 grand this month on my beloved boy I am not sure we are much further in sorting him out. The hospital have decided to guess and treat for infection for the next six weeks. He has 42 tablets to take. So lets hope for the best eh. At least he is eating well - a good sign.

3. At work the CEO writes a weekly blog on the intranet to about 1400 employees. On a drunken night out earlier this week I revealed my blogging inclinations (but not my pseudonm thank fuck) so I am guesting on the blog in Christmas week. Oh my word. I am a little nervous - what will I write? No-one ever seems to comment and I feel challenged to beat the CEO at the number of comments. Obviously I will bribe my team, but how do I get others to comment? I think I will go for some frivolous fun - any idea's people? Please share - and obviously no idea's that will get me fired! The average number of weekly comments are 2 btw!

Ben Update

2009-11-25T19:03:00.002Z

Ben went to the hospital today. They kept in him for the day and did a barrage of tests, starting with his heart as they said he had a murmur and they were worried about giving him an anaesthetic. But that was OK, so they proceeded with x-rays and ultra-sound and also took some samples from his bladder.

Basically they said their appeared to be no tumour (yea!) but one of his kidneys (yea to only one) is abnormal and the scar tissue indicative of possible infection. Also where urine pools before going to the bladder is dilated. They are growing some cultures to see if their is infection and if so what anti-biotic they need to give him. Otherwise he has to go back in next week for more tests.

At least no cancer - phew.

He is really tired and dopey. He has also been shaved so as you can see in the picture above, he is wrapped up snuggley in a fleece blanket. the vet suggested we buy him a coat for winter. He is also sporting a blue bandage on his leg. Poor thing.

Friday night

2009-11-20T23:10:00.003Z

Hello friends.
Wow, its Friday night again and its good to have the weekend ahead. I am planning to be busy busy with chores. I live in chaos with piles of junk everywhere so I am on a mission to declutter and get rid of a load of stuff. So good luck me! I am also getting my hair cut; I am looking a right beatnik at the mo.

And of course I want to spend some quality time with my doggies. My camcorder is on charge; there are so many idiosynchracies of my beloved doggies that I want to capture so I won't forget. Like when I go out to the yard and they both try and get out of the dog flap at the same time and it ends up with both their heads poking through the door.

Ben is still pissing blood. He isn't in pain, which leads the vet to think his problem is in his kidneys. He has been referred to the doggie hospital (attached to Liverpool University) but we are having to wait until Wednesday morning. I just want to get him sorted but must be patient. He is still eating but has been vomiting. Mrs K and I are not daft and have resigned ourselves to the fact that he must have pathology in at least one of his kidneys. We are just praying that it is only one of his kidneys and not both. As a kid our family dog died of kidney failure. But Meggsie was really ill and Ben hasn't got those symptoms. Actually whilst he is tired, he is still interacting well with us and eating. He also has control of his bladder.

Holly bless her is a bit oblivious. Actually we think she is a bit senile these days; bless her.

Work was a real bitch the other week. I got really angry over something and carried it over into last weekend. What I mean is, when I am angry I get like a knot in my shoulder muscle which is dead painful. Basically I buried myself under the duvet cover then. This week was better and actually a senior guy told me how much he respected me for standing up for what I believed in the previous week. So that was OK. But come the end of this week, all had passed and I had a good day as I caught up with all my email and actions and other shit that has to be done but is never quite top priority.

And it never rains but pours when things stop working. I asked Mrs K what she would prefer for Christmas - a tangerine or an orange? The main PC bust. Then Mrs K's wheelchair. then the garage door. And Ben's hospital want a £750 deposit (oh I wish we had pet insurance!)
So I have put us on an economy drive! Actually we a damn lucky; been watching Children in Need tonight. (probably only means something to UK readers.)

Anyway folks, I will sign off now and come visit your blogs. I haven't read anything for a while so I cant wait to hear your news.....

My teenage Years (yawn, yawn, yawn)

2009-11-20T21:24:00.013Z

Mmm, my teenage years.

I have decided to define my teenage years as starting from 11, because going to 'big' school at 11 seemed to mark a change in my life. I think because the school - a Catholic all girls convent - was a 30 minute train journey away from home and no-one from my junior school was going to this one.

The first year was OK. I remember I made friends with a girl who travelled the same train journey and I remember I spent a couple of weekends of the year on sleep-overs at her home. I am not sure why it fizzled out. But in my mind I do remember on one occasion I was ill and vomited all over her bedroom. I felt bad about that. We used to go swimming at the local pool. I have fond memories of plucking up the courage of going to the dive pool and jumping off the 10 meter tall dive platform. I can't dive, just dive bombed it. Ouch!

After the first year we were tested and placed into one of four 'sets' based upon our results in maths, English, French and science. I was top 5% in maths and science but my English and French were below average, so I ended up in the second set. My friend was in the bottom set. Maybe this was why we drifted apart? Or was it the vomit! My parents were angry I was not in the top set and went up the school to complain. I was non plussed. I hated French.

I guess from then on in my school life was non descript. I didn't have a best friend. I cant really remember who I hung around with. Actually in the third year (age 14ish) we had a temporary teacher in for physics. Mrs Hungate; straight out of the 60's in physical appearance. She was crap and couldn't control the class. A fraction bullied her. I put up with it for about a couple of months before I went to the head teacher and grassed up the trouble makers. The head teacher came into her next class and punished the bullies. That didn't make me particularly popular - because i didn't deny I was the grass - with my fellow school kids nor the teacher (I hadn't figured out the teacher would be hacked off with me too.) I am my own person and I didn't particularly care though.

Early teens I liked my sport. At junior school I represented the school at every sport. High school I only did rounders. I was 2nd deep cos I was a long thrower and good catcher. I also fenced. At school I found it a bit too regimented but I went to another club which really improved me. I stuck with fencing until about 15. I have got some fencing medals and I wasn't too bad. At one point I was going to weekend competitions all over the country. But my parents were too busy with their 'religious' commitments to take me and went with another fencers family. I remember Mrs Dommett buying me a t-shirt one weekend away, with a picture of a fencer silhouetted on the front. I felt embarrassed as I am no charity case. I wonder if that was the catalyst for me to chuck it in.

I did good at my O'levels at 16 with 7 A's, a B and 2 C's (in English language and chemistry.) They were easy, you just had to learn the text book to get a good grade. It was compulsory at school to do English Literature (for which I got a grade A.) I find it ironic that I wouldn't have chosen such a subject in a million years, but I am grateful for the education. My English teacher, I forget her name, was fantastic to enchant someone like me in such a subject. I am grateful that I had to read poetry. I studied first world war poetry and Alfred Owen in particularly. And to read King Lear. Without googling I can even remember several stock quotes I incorporated into my essay..
King Lear.. "And Cordelia, what can you do to draw a third more opulent than your sister" or
King Lear.. "hail winds, crack your whips"

And we read "the Moon is Down" by John Steinbeck..."The fly has conqueored the flypaper"

And I read "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley and Arthur Millers "the Crucible" without this compulsory subject I would have never had this experience in my life. I don't read such cultured books today.

Home life was non-descript. My parents got into a religious group and were away a lot and I was left in the care of my sister. I remember I used to spend most Saturdays lying on the couch watching the matinee films on BBC2. I have probably seen most black and White war films. And Lassies. And Elvis Presley films.

I guess a milestone of my teenage years was summer 1984. I had taken my O level exams and the summer was a long one. I was tired constantly. My period stopped. I ended up going to the doctors in the October. After loads of hospital tests I was diagnosed with Crohns Disease. I have written about it previously here.

So I remember my late teens as one of tiredness brought on by my Crohns. I had wanted to leave school at 16 and join the Police Cadets. I failed the fitness test. So I sat my A levels. I enjoyed my maths but not Computer Science nor Geography. i hung around with a couple of people who did the same subjects. The friendships didn't last beyond sixth form. But I did have people that I went out with to explore this period of my life with. To get drunk. I remember I went through a period where we would down in one pint the strongest beer available. Flavour wasnt of importance. Just to get pissed. I joined the Ballroom Dancing club (my girls school joined up with the local all boys school) and I met my first boyfriend Steve. He modelled himself on the Blues Brothers. I had some fun times with him. And we went to a lot of parties.

At 18 I didn't want to go to university. So I got a job working for a merchant bank. This is when I started smoking. Within six months I decided I didn't like work (!!!!) and put an application in for university.

At 19 I went to Exeter university to study Maths. It is unpopular to admit but I hated my time at university. I couldn't find my boundaries. I did go off the rails abit. I remember I would get pissed then walk the railway lines. Or walk the outside of bridges of the canal. One of my friends died - my first experience of death - and I spent a period sleeping at night at the local graveyard. But that takes me out of my teens so not for this post. Ha!

I have just written this post and think what a boring sod I am.
Tony, I wrote about my teenage years so I guess you owe me a post on yours. I bet your teenage years were full of adventure and dare devil stuff... sex, drugs and rock 'n roll.
I look forward to reading your post.

Henry the eight I am I am

2009-11-15T01:07:00.003Z

My Great Grandfather x22 appears to be Henry III, King Of England.

They say if you trace your ancestry far enough back then you find royal blood.

No need to courtsey, hehehee.

Lazt Saturday

2009-11-07T23:40:00.003Z

And the doggies joined it too...
These were taken today.
Ben curled into a tight ball on the beanie...

And Holly resting on my leg - (isnt this a great picture)

I love my doggies sooooooooo much....
(Please Ben get well)

My boy loves playing this game

2009-11-05T23:43:00.002Z

I took this picture of Ben tonight. Whenever I get up out of bed, he sneaks into my place. Then he watches me when I return (as you can see from the photo.) It is a game he plays with me. I always move him into the centre of the bed.

I love the way his paws are crossed in the photo. And his eyes watching me.

Seriously unimpressed

2009-11-04T20:47:00.003Z

And still worried about my boy.

The vet rang tonight; well a locum vet. Ben's blood results have come back and they are all clear. She said that if Ben had an infection then you would expect his white blood cells to be up.

Mrs K then questioned further. It transpired that on monday he was x-rayed, not ultra-sounded (which would normally be the protocol for a bladder.) Apparently they didnt use a contrast dye, but rather blew air into the bladder before the x-ray; an old fashioned technique used pre ultrasound technology.

So it seems we cant rule out a tumour or stones just yet.

The culture results come back friday. If no infection he has to go back to the animal hospital for an ultra-sound.

Bloody unimpressed; the poor boy having to go through another anestethic.

And worried about what is wrong.

Not sure if he is still peeing blood.....will check tomorrow.

Ben is still unwell

2009-11-01T18:51:00.002Z

Despite the course of anti-biotics Ben is still peeing quite a bit of blood. We took him to the vets again this morning and he has to return tomorrow to be sedated for an x-ray, then possible operation. It is one of 3 things:

1. Nasty bacterial infection resistant to the anti-biotic first given.

2. Bladder stones (which will have to be cut out.)

3. Tumour (which the vet said could be partially cut out.)

Lets hope for the first option; I cant bear anything happening to my boy. I love him so much.

Trying to decide

2009-10-30T00:44:00.002Z

on something.

I am not going to tell you what, but I want a vote. It is in the lap of the Gods.
Or more precisely, in your lap.

So guys, up for it? do you dare?

I would like your answer to an invisible question.

Please vote YES or NO in comments...

I take the cut-off decision in 24 hrs.
xx.

(and hint: dont try and double guess me; I take prudent precautions in my phrasing to ensure an unbiased answer.)

Ben likes his snuggles...

2009-10-25T22:41:00.002Z

Poor Ben hasn't been well. I noticed by chance last week that he was pissing blood - quite a bit - and the vet thinks it is from the stress of Kennels (when we went to Ukraine the other week) that caused him to pick up an infection. He is doing much better now, though feeling sorry fo himself... This picture was taken today, he moved the pillow from the top of the bed in the sapre room, to the bottom so that he could lie on it! This was last week when he snuggled in between pillows...

And Random Reflections, I got fudge to model the Ukrainian Beret for you to see.

2009-10-21T11:21:00.001+01:00

Dream the dream

2009-10-19T21:47:00.002+01:00

Sorry guys, not been feeling very well, got a virus (hope not the the dreaded lurgy!) and hence been lying low. I will be out and about in blogland in a few days to catch up on all your good folks writings. I miss you.
The title for this post is meant for a blog I have been wanting to write, but just not the energy yet - I thought I would use it here so I can hold onto it.

xx.

Dnepropetrovsk

2009-10-11T20:30:00.005+01:00

Mrs K and I went to Ukraine (note no "The" preceding Ukraine, otherwise it would be like saying "The England") this weekend for 43 hours(!) to see Ukraine play England (footie match.)

Here at some pictures. Dnepropetrovsk, or Dnipro for short, is a heavily industrialised city and obviously very poor.

This was the norm...

The city centre (with a bus in the foreground)

Tram and cigarette booth

Ukrainians singing their national anthem at the start of the football match...

A fire-engine ready for the football match. At the time I wondered why it was there; then the match kicked off and I realised why.

We were seated in the Ukrainian end and it was a little scary!

Sorry I haven't been replying to your comments in previous posts. I will catch-up later this week. I seem to have lost my blogging focus.

Oh and I purchased my obligatory eastern european hat, this time a beret. It was funny - the police were selling their own hats to make a bit of money!

Risk Adverse?

2009-09-27T23:15:00.003+01:00

Many (many) years ago when I first started working, I did work for a small company of c. 20 employees. I didn't like it and as such have concluded working for a small company is not for me. I guess everyone knew too much about each other for my liking, and I like to keep work separate from home life.

I also worked for a period in the public sector - the health service. I enjoyed it in that I felt at least I was contributing to the greater good, but the pay was poor. Honestly, I work for money and the pay was just too poor, and not linked to performance, rather set pay scales. I also disliked the fact that I had to join the union and the whole thing about having to go on strike because the union said so; well, I just didn't like. Strike, or get sent to "coventry" (which means everybody stops talking to you.)

I have been with my current employer for 13 years in January 2010 (unlucky 13?)

The company I joined had c. 1200 employees and I must say I have enjoyed working for this company - a private sector company. Five years ago it got purchased by one of the largest private sector companies in the UK, so I guess I moved from a medium sized company to a large one. I must say, I struggle to sign up to being the "Corporate Girl." Don't get me wrong, I work hard and do my job well. It's just the voice in my head has become rather cynical. The employees of this company in general love it. I was on a course last week and I heard several others say "I don't want to work for anyone else." All the voice in my head said was "yes, that's why they take advantage of you."

Yes, the Big Company pays on average 20% less, so my pay is higher than the average in the corporation. Over time all my benefits are being eroded.
The cynicism I have is also shared by a few others who also have the long service.

The Big Company are looking to align functions across all the smaller companies that they have bought up over the last number of years. I know they are going to ask me to work in London at some time, sooner rather than later, and probably in 2010. Now on my current contract I have a clause that I could reasonably refuse to move. So then they would have to make me redundant and with 13 years service, well I wouldn't have to get another job for a year.

Mrs K wouldn't want me to take redundancy I think. I am dreaming of it in my mind. I see it as an opportunity - albeit scary - that would kick my ass into changing my life. I feel such a responsibility to provide for my family, so Mrs K saying the other day a negative thought about me taking redundancy has upset me a bit.

Anyway a decision isn't immediately imminent, but maybe one for in a few months time.

And my decision will come down to the Risk appetite of me and Mrs K. I have become too predictable and safe. I don't want this responsibility any more. I want to be bold and strike out, but I have thought that for two years now and done nothing.

(Oh and I will get round to the Ermine and Daisy update later on in the week.)

Ermine and Daisy march on...

2009-09-24T23:20:00.003+01:00

I told the tale of Ermine and Daisy several years ago...

If you are interested remind yourself of the story (though I think Lynn, you are only the blogger that has continued to follow my blog since then!) or indeed read it for the first time...

I will update the story this weekend.

A lazy List

2009-09-18T21:50:00.004+01:00

1. I was thinking, I am really glad that I was made to do English Literature O-Level at school. I had to read such books as "King Lear" (Shakespear), "The Moon is Down" (John Steinbeck), "Brave New World" (Aldous Huxley), "The Crucible" (Arthur Miller) which I would have never read otherwise. It added a mitre of culture into my life!

2. It is only as I get older that I seem to appreciate history (which I hated at school.) I am enjoying watching "The Tudors" at the moment. Henry VIII is just about to meet Ann of Cleves, who was number 4, which from the rhyme "Divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded, Survived" you can work out her fate.

3. Remember this? Well after removing the ticket, I go back to the supermarket - Tesco's - last night and the "offer" is back off. I saw my arse and sent the picture to my local Trading Standards Office. I am sure they will ignore my email!

4. Watch the youtube video here. - It really made me laugh out loud.

5. Ben and Holly are both well, though rather smelly at the moment! I think it's going to be bath weekend!

Winter is a coming...

2009-09-09T20:47:00.003+01:00

1. Its half-time and we are beating Croatia, 2-0. (Footie btw.) So we look set to qualify for the World Cup Finals. Hoorah!!! Its every football fans dream - to win the World Cup. England have won it once and that was before I was born.

2. Spetember is a busy month for me work-wise. I have just been given loads more work in a high pressured area, and on top of that I have to be going down to the Big Smoke a lot. I am unimpressed in that this will involve nights away from home (one a sunday night) and one trip, because of other committments, I will have to catch the 05:51 train. So thats why my on-line activity is a bit sporadic right now.

3. Ben's shoulder is doing ok now, but the dogs are still acting strangely. I think they need a load of love and attention right now.

4. We are doing a 36 hour trip to the Ukraine next month (football of course!)

5. It seems winter is really starting to creep towards us now; I hate winter. It's the dark nights and mornings which I hate. It kind of feels like we need to bolt down the hatches and hibernate.
In fact, I think I will go put on the heating right now...

Ben got hurt last night

2009-09-02T21:54:00.004+01:00

I wrote a week or so ago about how I love my play with my doggies (see here.)

Since Ben and Holly have got out of kennels, they have been a bit itsey with each other, so last night I thought a bit of high energy play would help with bonding. Well last night I got in and then the fun began. We started with hide and seek - around the house - and then chase. I ran full pelt into the lounge and stood the far side of the coffee table. Ben and Holly stood the far side and as they moved round it, so did I to try and keep the same distance between us. They stopped and looked at me. I blew a raspberry.

Well Ben took a different tack and jumped across the coffee table at me! Unfortunately it all went haywire and suddenly he whelped, a piercing cry. Then he was lying on the floor shaking.

I screamed out to Mrs K - an emergency - that we needed her (she is a qualified nurse afterall and mommy to the dogs. It is funny really, I am their play-mate and Mrs K is their source of comfort in a crisis.)

We calmed the situation down and ascertained after a bit that the source of his pain was his shoulder and applied an ice pack. As the vets was shut and Ben had stopped whelping, we thought that maybe he would be OK and we would review in the morning. We gave him one of Holly's pain killers and he zonked out for the night.

In the morning, when he woke up, he whelped again. The long and the short of it, I dashed him to the vets. Nothing is broken but his shoulder is really swollen. He needs to rest for a few days, and has been given anti-inflammatories. And I am banned from hi-energy play in the house.
I also feel a tad guilty. I keep kissing him an apologising.

I will leave you with My quote for the week

All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.
(T.E. Lawrence, Seven Pillars of Wisdom)

Monaco

2009-08-31T21:24:00.002+01:00

Monaco was ace! Unfortunately I can't tell you too much about it because we were someone's guests and if I say too much you would be able to google Mrs K.

But I thought that I would post another picture tonight. We attended a party and during the night, the roof retracted and we saw a fabulous firework display

The Alps

2009-08-29T23:27:00.003+01:00

I took this piccie this afternoon; flying back home, via Zurich. The picture is of the Alps; apparently airlines can only fly this route at weekends as during the week this airspace is reserved for the military.

Monaco was fabulous... one hellofa VIP trip.

I will catch up with you all in the morning.. (after picking my doggies up from the Kennels, that is.)

Bargain. Not!

2009-08-24T20:56:00.003+01:00

I took this picture at the supermarket tonight.

I pointed out to the shop assistant that maybe it wasn't exactly a good deal - buy two and pay more than twice the cost of one....

He laughed and walked off!

Anyway I am going to Monaco on wednesday for a few days so I will catch up with you all then.

xx.

I love my doggies

2009-08-20T23:07:00.004+01:00

I love Ben and Holly very much. This is part of our routine....

Tonight I got in from work and they were at the door to greet me with their waggy tails. They immediately nudge my hands for attention. I give them each a smile and a stroke.

I walk into the bedroom and take off my watch and change my clothes. They are sitting their watching my every move. I give them a smile. I pull on my trackies and as I tuck the bottoms into my socks they know play is about to start.

Its a routine. I head for the back door and pick up the mini-football. Ben dashes out of the dog-flap in anticipation of us going up the field to play.

He falls for the most basic trick in the book most nights. Holly doesn't and sticks to my side. I look at her and smile. "come on Holly, lets go out the other door." So I sprint through our bungalow to the other door with Holly in tow. We dash out of the door and run up the field.

Meanwhile Bennie has run back into the bungalow to look for us. Sometimes we hide in the cupboard so he cant take quite for granted where we are. A number of minutes later we are up the field and Ben suddenly appears running at full pelt to catch us up. I am laughing and turn and open my arms real wide "Good boy."

I then throw the mini football. Unfortunately Ben gets to it first. He picks it up and now it is his turn to tease me and Holly. He runs past me - just out of arms reach - "catch me if you can" So I humour him and try and catch him. He is 1/3 greyhound so I have no chance. But a game is a game. When he starts to get bored he lets me and Holly catch him up.

I then play ball with Holly (she always brings it back for me to throw again) whilst Ben has a good sniff around. When his attention is distracted Holly and I go and hide again. He eventually finds us. He runs with a puppy like quality.

I can tell when my dogs laugh. And they laugh when they play with me.

We play for about 30 mins and then I feed them. The hunt deserves a reward afterall.

Its the weekend

2009-08-14T19:27:00.003+01:00

Yey!

And I am determined that I will do no work this weekend. I have been mega busy and working like a dog. My boss has been on holiday for 2.5 weeks and as I deputise for him in his absence, on top of my own work, I have to attend his meetings too. On top of that just before he went on holiday he told me he was giving me an extra area of responsibility, with more staff. Now this area of responsibility is the area in the spotlight for my industry at the moment, so I am now under additional stress. But on the other hand, my profile is raised at work and I like that!

So all in all I am sprinting to stand still, with me starting work before 7am each morning this week. So I am knackered, but actually I have been enjoying myself. My 'street cred' is high and I feel valued - though of course not in receipt of any more money. Over the last year I piled on about a stone in weight but I have noticed recently I have started to slightly shed the pounds, which is a good thing. I have discovered that when I am busy / under pressure, I loose weight. When I am depressed I stuff it on.

Neighbours!

2009-08-09T22:22:00.004+01:00

A number of months ago I had to speak to my neighbour. There is a drive of about 10 meters to my doorway and he has access to get to his house. Anyway he kept parking on this driveway which caused our dogs to bark and bark. So I asked him to stop parking there; reminding him that he has access only.

Anyway, there is a hedge that runs along one side that last year he took to maintaining. I didnt mind cos it saved me a job, but since I spoke to him about the driveway, he has stopped cutting it. Now an overgrown hedge doesnt bother me; you should see the rest of my garden. Today I was slogging outside trying to sort the garden - for 5 hours. We had a diseased tree felled last year and I had a load of wood to haul away. He then calls me over and is quite surly and rude asking me when I am going to cut the hedge. It doesnt restrict access in anyway.
I say I will get round to it when I get round to it, but I am exhausted and a number of other jobs of higher priority. I was very polite and it is only when I walk away that I realise how rude he was and how 'told off' I felt.

He was stupid really. Cos now the hedge is lower down my priority list and I cant envisage I will get round to it for a year or so! And it will bug him!

In other news I have had a lump on the buttress of my left ulna. I had an x-ray on Friday and in the UK they dont give the results straight away, you have to go back to your doctor. I must say usually I am not bothered by such things, but maybe I have a bad feeling about this. I could just be being stupid. I could be from my watch rubbing?

Anyway I have decided if the doctors ring on Monday for me to go see him then it is not good news. If not, then I am just being stupid.

My first words we're "shit shit shit shit shit"

2009-08-03T20:10:00.002+01:00

We left home about 7.30 this morning - we because I was dropping Mrs K at the station.

En route the traffic on the dual carriage came to a halt - clearly there had been a road traffic accident or some other road blockage up ahead. We were crawling along and Mrs K was getting very anxious about missing her train.

I was being very patient and not lane hopping but as we rounded the bend, I saw the accident up ahead. All the traffic was moving into our lane to avoid the police car 500 yards ahead but as Mrs K was getting so anxious about being late for the train, I skipped into the other lane to gain an advantage of about 20 cars. I then saw a car size gap and cut back into my original lane.

BEEP!!!!!!!

The car behind sounded their horn for about 10 seconds. I lifted my arm up, 40% to apologise, 40% to acknowledge and 20% a bit of heheheee!

I then flicked my eyes up towards the mirror to see who it was.

My first words we're "shit shit shit shit shit"
"What" said Mrs K.
"Shit shit shit shit shit. DONT look back. Bloody hell. Shit shit shit. Its my parents. DONT look back."

I adjusted my position in my seat aware that if I can see out of the mirror, then the driver behind can see me.

"Are you sure it is them?"
YES.

I then snook a couple of looks in the mirror to see what they were doing. It was definately them.

As soon as we passed the accident and the road opened up, I floored the accelerator and left them for dust in the distance.

[I feel OK about it btw.]

Read Me...

2009-07-31T21:52:00.002+01:00

The hunger

2009-07-22T20:16:00.005+01:00

I was inspired to write this post at lunch time, about the free child (FC) in me; unfortunately a truly crappy afternoon in a truly crappy foul mood I am now struggling to locate that passion I had at lunch. But I will try.

It all started with a blog conversation with one of my chums. In this conversation he said
"[FC] ... is not any kind of reaction to some thing external to the person. The motivation to act comes from within because one is hungry, thirsty or hasn't had it for a while. So in this sense it is far more of a self involved part of the personality."

The words really bought to life something for me. An echo that has been with me for a long time. It is within in my belly. A part of me is hungry. And it is a deep unsatiated hunger. And it comes from the child within me.

The hunger is for adventure.

The hunger to be Lara Croft.
The hunger to be Edmund Hillary.
Or Illya Kuryakin, Buffy or a Charlie's Angel.

The hunger for adventure.
The hunger to be a dare devil.
A hunger for an adrenalin rush.
A hunger for a risk.

I want to be a fabulous Thai kick-boxer.
An Olympic fencer or halo jumper.

To perform an Air to Fakie on a snow board
Or take a Rail on a skateboard.

To speed at 200mph on an open highway on a BMW (motor)bike.

To feel the thrill, the anticipation, the fear and to conquer myself.

2009-07-20T21:17:00.002+01:00

Mrs K and I were in Hamburg this past weekend. Strangely I only took two photo's.

Then this morning I saw a moth on the doorstop the likes of which I have not seen before; here it is.

Hope you all have a good week.

Selfishly crying

2009-07-13T23:11:00.002+01:00

It's 11pm and I find myself sitting at my laptop crying. Well actually I have managed to stifle my tears by a quick visit to the loo and a big blow into a tissue. I didn't want Mrs K to see me upset as I feel foolish.

I was working to about 9pm on my laptop as I am really busy at work yet not in the office from Wednesday and I have a long list of "to dos" to get done. I have then spent the last couple of hours going around visiting my blog pals and catching up on all your posts from the last few days. When I got to my last friend, and read her final post, it was indeed a final post goodbye and I felt overwhelmed. In part as I love this blogger and whilst we are very different people, I have felt some sort of affinity, I will miss her very much.

And in part I think it was the culmination of reading a large number of heartfelt and painful posts across blogland from my much loved friends.

Shit I am starting to cry again!

I think sometimes we don't pause, or rather I don't pause, sit back and breathe in how lucky I am to share such aspects of your lives. And how many brave and courageous people their are in this world. How brave and courageous you are in each of your individual battles. You fight the good fight.

I ramble and am crying again!

I salute you, my friends. You humble me. I will now rapidly cut short this post. I am currently reading "The Rules of Life" by Richard Templar and I am going to randomly flick to a page and see what wisdom falls open.

[,,]

Rule 58 "Know when to listen and when to act"

And Signsie I will miss you. xx.

Touch de duck... I keel you

2009-07-06T23:24:00.003+01:00

[Thanks for these Kazza... ]

"Touch de duck... I keel you."

"It was only a little pee, why the 30 minute timeout?"

"So Dad left when he found out about Mom and the Panda."
These gave me a laugh, hope I bought a smile to your face.

Oh and wow, this morning was incredible. I am driving into work along a dual carriageway and I see about 20 foot up a bird of prey - I think a Buzzard - with an animal held within its claws. I think by the dangling legs maybe a rabbit. Anyway the Buzzard is struggling a bit and then lets go of the rabbit. I watch it fall onto a car that was driving in the opposite direction. It was so funny; I wonder if the driver thought it was raining rabbits cos he probably didnt see the Buzzard from his angle.

Busy Bee

2009-07-01T21:24:00.004+01:00

I certainly have been a busy bee today.

I dropped Mrs K off at the station at 7am and went straight back home. Firstly I tidied the kitchen then shifted all of the furniture from the bedroom. I managed to oil our wooden bedroom floor all by 9am.

At 9am I switched on my PC, logged into my works servers and got busy with my days work - I was working from home today. I worked through lunch and finished up early to watch the end of Andy Murray's (tennis) match. He won in straight sets. I am not sure if I want him to win or not; he has asserted previously (before he counted up how much potential sponsorship he could lose) that he is Scottish rather than British. If he is Scottish, then I am English. If he is British, then so am I. Actually it is academic cos I think Federer will win.

Next was to go outside and mow the field for a couple of hours. Then to tidy up as our cleaner is here tomorrow (though I have done half the cleaning) , then a bath - it is so humid here and I honked after the days work - and finally a sit down at my laptop in front of the box.

Unfortunately the floor is still sticky so I am sleeping in the spare room tonight (I had to make the bed up earlier.) The dogs see it as their room so I am sure they are not going to be happy tonight. Its strange though as there is no tv in their so I am sat in the lounge til beddie bys. ;-)

I am doing much better than last week. Maybe it is because I have given up the drink - afterall alcohol is a depressant. Or maybe because I expressed some of what's going on in my head. Or that I am doing something different at work this week for our HR department - I like doing 'people' stuff and makes a nice change to my normal work. Also I told Mrs K on Monday night some of the things that had been swirling round and she re-assured me that it would be OK.

Facing up, part one

2009-06-28T01:26:00.002+01:00

When we returned from Brussels in April there was a box of flowers outside the front door with a balloon aloft.

My heart sunk.

I knew it was some flowers sent for my birthday - from my sister - and immediately I felt guilty and pressured (by myself) into how I was to respond.

I scooped them up and put them in the hall and grabbed the post. I sorted the post into piles; mine, Mrs K's and joint. I then took my pile and tossed the bills into one pile and was left with two envelopes I knew to be birthday cards. One was from my aunt and uncle. They always send me a homemade card even though I always forget their special days! They signed the card with 'xx's as always.

I recognised the handwriting on the other card as my mothers. I tossed it on the side and muttered something to Mrs K; I don't remember what.

Half hour later I read the card. I read it holding it with an out-stretched arm; as if it was potentially dangerous. I cant remember precisely what it said (I have only read it one other time since) but it was along the lines of that they think of me every day and wish me health and happiness. My initial reaction was two-fold, as I tossed the card onto the kitchen side.
"Why now? You ignored my fortieth but it seems not my forty-first."
and that I noticed a difference in contrast with the card that my aunt and uncle had sent which had xx's. Theirs didn't.

I have only had two conversations about it subsequently. One with Mrs K who (I cant remember the exact words) said something along the line of "W*nkers" and one with someone at work who said " isn't that what you want - contact?"

Since then I have kept stoom.

There have been a number of thoughts that have come into my head and then I try and squash them out.

1. Did I confront them with the letter I sent to please my old therapist?
[Please note reader that in saying this I take total responsibility for my own actions and that I always have the final decision as to my actions]

2. I try to imagine the hurt they are feeling and it pains me.

3. How will I feel when they die? I almost expect when one dies the other will write me, a month or so after the fact, and tell me that it was my fault.

And then their remains the big elephant in the room. What shall I do about my sister? I haven't had contact with her for 18 months. The ball is in my court. I suspect contact with my sister comes with baggage. Baggage of my parents in the background. And also Mrs K is none too happy with my sister. See's her as really manipulative. So if I see my sister I see her on my own. And I avoid that as I don't feel up to it. Will I ever be? Again another guilt I carry.

So folks, at least I have opened one of the boxes by writing this.

I am here.

2009-06-24T18:52:00.003+01:00

I feel really miserable to tell you the truth. Have done for a while. I guess I am not very good at talking about it and I have been bottling and bottling things up. Or should I say pushing thoughts into tight boxes and hoping they go away. They dont.

When I had a counsellor, then by talking to someone that somehow helped me talk about things in general outside of the sessions with other people. It helped me write about whats inside of me here on this blog too. And in that expression it helped me. Kind of once its outside of me then its cathartic.

I cant keep going on like I am. I am tired. I am also fraught internally. I have been drinking too much. Well too frequently - about 5 nights a week I am slugging back a few shorts.

I feel irritable. I keep it inside of me so I dont think I am any different with people at work.

I think I have left rather a number of random comments on peoples blogs. And on my own. I apologise if I have offended anyone or used swear words that offend. I dont think I have (except on my own blog), but you never know. Somehow I feel somewhat ashamed of myself. The voice in my head is saying "you have let yourself down."

The old internal critical wont shut up and has been brutal maybe. It is incessant.

Anyone I dont want this to be a poor me blog. Rather I wanted to tell someone what is going on in my head. To share and maybe that will lighten my load.

I will tell you what is on the lid of those boxes which I dont want to open.

One is labelled 'family.' It has been 61 days since I received the card from my parents. The sub-labels on this are 'guilt?' and 'have I / what is I have done the wrong thing?' and 'next steps.'

The next box is labelled 'work.' I am just not enjoying work at present. And my work days are filled with insecurity.

Anyway. I will leave it there.

Redacted

2009-06-23T20:57:00.002+01:00

Over the last week, most nights I have thought about a post to write, then just havent been in the mood. I thought tonight that I would just try and capture what is going on in my head at the moment. My brain is in overdrive at the moment lol! Though it seems, I am not in the mood!

And I have frozen up!

Oh well. Hope you my blogger friends are well.

xx

My pearl of wisdom for tonight

2009-06-17T22:47:00.003+01:00

1. Back yourself.

And as an aside, no-one on this earth loves me more than my doggies. The look on their faces when I got home tonight; pure love. I wish I could burn it in my heart forever.

Ill explain more at the weekend.

BACK YOURSELF by believing in yourself.

{{{{xxooxx}}}}

Catch-up

2009-06-15T22:10:00.004+01:00

1. Its my doggie Ben's birthday today - Happy Birthday Ben!!! We sang him the Happy Birthday song tonight. Saying that, it may not be his actual birthday cos we dont know when that was. I guess he is like royalty - cos we designated 15th June as his official birthday when he walked into our life 8.5 years ago!

2. I DIY-ed on saturday and finally got round to finish putting up the skirting board in the bedroom- it now feels like a newly decorated room!

3. I went to sleep at mid-night on saturday night and slept through to 3pm on sunday. Wow! I must have needed it. Though I realise I dreamt a lot. Cant remember much about the dreams, they were so busy, but centred around tracing my ancestry roots and finding my "book" of life. Very odd.

4. Stood in the patio-doorway having a fag last week and eek!!! I looked upwards and there was a mass of baby spiders - probably just hatched! You cant really see them too clearly in this picture I took, but you get the general idea. I wondered how long they had been there. Thank-fully they have now dispersed.

5. I have quite taking the codeine phosphate. I guess that is what I did last time I was prescribed them. They ended up making me too irritable.

6. Watched my cousin on TV tonight. It is odd watching someone on the box who you know outside of the box, so to speak. Our respective fathers are identical twins and it has been said that we are quite alike. I wish I was a thin as she is!

Yea

2009-06-10T00:15:00.004+01:00

Just over twenty years ago, I had – if I recall the exact measurements correctly – 4 foot of my bowel (terminal ileum and ascending colon to be more precise) removed. I guess it was painful (though as they say with childbirth, the memory of the intensity of the pain reduces over time) but my abiding memory was the pleasure of the pain drug, morphine, that I was given by injection every 4 hours for 3 and a half days. After the jab, I remember it hitting my system and feeling this euphoria for about 10 minutes before I fell asleep.

I have had a bad stomach for a number of months now (basically my euphemism for severe diarrhoea) and after my experiences in Rome (I couldn’t hydrate sufficiently so had the headache from hell) I decided I better visit the doctors. I wasn’t looking forward to it as basically I have “seen the film, worn the T-shirt...” and know what prodding they like to do when they see on my notes that I have “Crohns.” My preoccupation was that I was determined that the doctors wasn’t going to shove some scope up my arse (yes, one of their more popular exams.) I told him the doc that it was probably cos I had a stomach bug, but I wanted some medication to sort it out. He duly obliged, but rather than prescribe Imodium (what I wanted) he prescribed Codeine Phosphate. As I said I was preoccupied with protecting my arse (literally) rather than ensuring I got what meds I wanted.

I have had Codeine before. It disagrees with me, or rather I like it a bit too much that I find it hard not to abuse it. I reckon I am a cheap date – cos the dose isn’t particularly high – but high in my tolerance level. [I had it in my twenties and had to ask the doctor to take me off it as I started to take it for its euphoria effects. Having a bad day? - well pop a few extra tabs. ]

So fuck it, I started the drug yesterday and I find the euphoria as relatively intense. It takes about 15 minutes for the drug to take effect (I take one tab x 4 a day) and I feel this warm feeling come over my body. On an empty stomach is best. Actually I find it hard to describe. A slight tingling but not horrible tingling you get with cramp. And I find a smile will form across my face. Any grumpiness I may be feeling evaporates. I guess the feeling is described as euphoria. Though maybe that is the wrong word as I am not Hare Hare Krishna happy clappy. Mellow, but not mellow like what you have with weed. I guess relaxed; my body is relaxed and I find myself drifting. A gentle floating.

I thought I would test out tonight how it mixes with alcohol – as I said cheap date. Only need two drinks and then I am in the warm zone.

Cool.

I have a months supply. Maybe I will get the drug changed next month. Yes, boring. But fuck it; I will enjoy it for now. I am a measured person I think.

Rome, part two

2009-06-05T19:19:00.014+01:00

The Colisseum was commissioned by the Emperor Vespasian in AD72 and stands out as the landmark across the city, and was the largest amplitheatre built in the Roman Empire. It opened in AD80 and it has been estimated that about 500,000 people and over a million wild animals died in the Colosseum games.

In the foreground of this picture you can see how the amplitheatre floor would have been. Underneath the arena the wild beasts, criminals and gladiators would have been kept prior to 'combat.'

Over the years, much of the Colliseum (Marble and Travertine structures) was plundered. In fact part of the Colliseum was used for the construction of St Peters square.

Seating would have covered these structures.

Looking out from the Colisseum to the Arch of Constantine.

Looking out across the Roman Forum; the centre of political, commercial and judicial life in ancient Rome.

Next stop was the Pantheon; the Roman temple of "All the Gods." What is amazing about the Pantheon, is its only source of light - the oculus. It is a marvel of Roman engineering (Emperor Hadrian designed in in AD118-125.)

In the evening, we visited the Trevi fountain. The place was buzzing with energy. There were loads of people full of excitement. It was Mrs K's favourite place. The whole square was dominated by a fountain, which emerged from the side of a building. The central figures are Neptune, surrounded by Tritons.

I stood with my back at the edge of the fountain, and in the tradition threw a coin over my shoulder and made a wish. The same wish I made when I held the foot of St Peter previously, in St Peters Basilica.

It would be unlucky for me to reveal it, so I wont. If it comes true (and I will know in the next 4 months) then I will tell you.

There were steps down to the fountains edge so Mrs K couldnt get there. So she sat in her chair about 8 meters away and lobbed a coin into the fountain. Luckily, as she had her back to the fountain, she didnt hit anyone! Actually I havent asked her what she wished for; that would be unlucky.

Voting day

2009-06-04T00:21:00.004+01:00

Tomorrow is voting day in the UK; we vote for our representatives within the European Parliament. If you follow UK politics you will know that the news has been dominated in the last four weeks by the expenses scandal of our British parliament.

In general, the British public have lost trust in our parliament. [I must say I looked at my pay slip this month and thought - well my £x paid in tax has bought an MP a new duck moat for their pond in their second home.]

It is expected that the impact will be a low turn-out and the non-mainstream parties will pick up a larger share of the vote.

Mrs K and I will vote tomorrow; women lost their lives to get us the vote and we will respect that by excersing our right to vote.

But tonight I havent the foggiest as to whom I will vote for. Or rather in these elections you vote for a party.

Sarky Kahless

2009-06-01T21:10:00.006+01:00

At lunch-time today I drove into town where there is a Kwik-fit. For those outside of the UK it is a chain of garages where you can pitch up and have your car tyre's replaced.

They said they were busy but would have new front tyres on the car within an hour, so I left them the keys and toodled off into town. An hour later and on walking back into the garage I see my car has still has the same bald front tyres. So I went to reception and ask the guy whats up.

"We'll be about two more minutes"

"Come on, you haven't started yet, are you seriously going to replace both tyres in two minutes."

"Well, it will be 25-30 minutes."

"But you said 1 hour and I have to get back to work."

[he shrugged]

"Kwik-fit, my arse" I added. "I'll take my business elsewhere."

So I drove off. My pissed-off-ed-ness dissipated within two minutes and I thought to myself, shit. Now I will have to repeat the whole process and go somewhere else tomorrow! Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face!

Anyway, I will leave you with another photo's from Italy...

This is from a side-street, a couple of random Roman pillars!! That was some of the charm of Rome, around almost every street there was something...
And also note that the Smart car has parked perpendicular rather than parallel to the kerb, just like a motor bike.

Roma

2009-05-29T23:41:00.007+01:00

Rome was ab-so-lute-ly stunning.

And that was despite my footie team losing. Well actually, they didn't really turn up for the match at all. But as Basil Faulty would say - "don't mention the war"; so 'nuff said on that one!

I must say Rome has knocked Moscow off my top spot as my favourite city. Mrs K and I really relaxed. It was about 30 degrees which was great. I like warmth.

We pretty much stuck to the schedule I detailed in the previous post. So on Tuesday we visited the Vatican. I must say, the artwork was beautiful, but - and I know I am a heathen - after seeing a few pretty Raphaelite graffiti paintings they all merged into one and by the time we reached the Sistine Chapel we were 'oh yeh...another painted ceiling.'

So here is the famous Sistine Chapel floor....

Ha! Actually here is a piccie of a room that was sealed off en route to the Sistine Chapel, by the Archives, which I thought was more attractive! It is "The Sistine Hall of the Vatican Library"

And this is another area which I espied through a gate and took the photo through a peep-hole! I have Internet searched and it is "The Braccio Nuovo ( The New Wing ) " full of Greek Art.

Next was St Peters'...this is the view from the Basilica across the square. It was an immense square.

On Wednesday, we went to the Stadium Olympico for the footie.

Moving on swiftly, Thursday we went to the Coliseum and surrounding 'Forum' area. Then we visited the Panthion and in the evening the Trevi fountain...

I think I will save all of that (+ pictures) for my next post....

In the moment

2009-05-24T01:07:00.005+01:00

I have just been reading a post, linked by Casey on her blog. It talks of the continuing atrocities in Iraq.

Then I went outside for a fag. I lent against my hop tub and stared up at the sky. It is a beautiful night; the sky is full of stars. I was thinking about the book I just read "angels and demons" by Dan Brown. And in it one of the characters - a Roman Catholic priest, explains why God does not intervene in human suffering. As I recall he responds to the question with another "if you knew your child would fall off and scrape his knee if he rode a skateboard, would you still let him."

And I was thinking that when I read the book I nodded in agreement. But now I thought "what crap" You cant compare a kid falling off a skateboard with innocents being tortured to death in Iraq.

And in my mind I thought "So God, why?"

And then the most amazing thing happened.

A bright light - for just an instant - shot across the equivalent on my vision of circa one meter. And a shiver went down my body. Lingering for about 45 seconds.

I was left with a feeling of wow. I am somewhat inebriated, but I saw that light. I first thought that maybe it was a jets afterburner. But actually I think that is not true. And as for a shooting star; I don't think so.

Mrs K and I are off to Rome early Monday. We are so excited. Apart from the fact that we have never been to Rome, our footie team is playing in the Champions League final, which we are going to. I have constructed a rough itinerary as follows....

1. Monday eve, mooch around and acclimatise to Rome.
2. Tue, visit the Vatican.
3. Wed, footie day (come on United!)
4. Thur, Coliseum and Pantheon
5. Fri, home.

I kind of think Rome might be a kind of religious experience. A feeling in my gut.

Finally I want to say that lately I haven't much been around blogland as I have been wrapped up in work (few long day trips to London) and I have been immersing myself in reading, playing my PSP and researching my ancestry. Kind of filling my mind methinks.

Doesnt mean that my affection is any less for you.

Anyway, I will leave you with this cartoon, which Kazza sent me....

This is what I ate on my birthday last month

2009-05-16T00:44:00.001+01:00

I promised to post some holiday pictures from last month. This is my meagre offering!

Kahless' tip of the week #1

2009-05-14T19:41:00.002+01:00

I thought I'd start an irregular series based on sharing my handy hints with you.

Tip #1: How to ensure no-one sits next to you on a train.

I was in London for meetings on Tuesday. Imagine a fairly packed commuter train. If (which is always!) I don't want some stranger sitting next to me on the train, I feign a bad cold. So when the train stops at a station and people board the carriage. Then get to work.

Cough over - but only half cover - the back of your hand. That way you are giving the signal that not only do you have a cold but also your not very hygienic. Next make nasal sounds by snorting. Continue in this vein; I think you get the gist. Unfortunately I can seem to fake sneezes, which would be the icing on the cake.

I found it worked very well this week, I guess the fears around swine flu improve the effectiveness of this technique, ensuring I get an extra wide berth.

Card from parents

2009-05-09T23:59:00.006+01:00

I have permitted myself very little thinking time about the card I received from my parents a couple of weeks ago. To be honest, I read it once and haven't opened it again. Right now it is sitting on my bedside table, having spent a couple of weeks in the wire rack in the kitchen. (The wire rack where I store bills to be paid.)

These are the dis-jointed thoughts and feelings that have dashed through my mind.

+ my initial reaction when I opened the post-box and recognised the handwriting on the envelope was to brace myself.
+ I opened the card, read it briefly, and then discarded it on the kitchen table.
+ I was angry I think. The words that fell from my lips were "why now? They can ignore my 40th so why my forty-first?"
+ I opened the next birthday card from my aunt and uncle. They gave me xx's when my parents did not. Not that I wanted xx's from my parents, but a contrast was made.
+ I was happy when it dawned on me that I didn't have to do anything in response to the card. It took me a couple of days to figure that one out; sometimes I am slow on the uptake!
+ Then I ask myself is that a cop-out?
+ And what about my sister? I haven't spoken to her in 18 months. When we got back from Brussels, I had a balloon and flowers from her.
+ I just think contact is intertwined between the two. I feel a pressure.
+ The lingering thoughts I have is remorse. I would say remorse rather than guilt. Or maybe a mixture of the two.
+ I feel a need, nearly a strong need, to retract the last few years and try and pretend they haven't happened.
+ Maybe to beg forgiveness of my parents.
+ None of these thoughts have left my lips until now.
+ I am questioning myself; if I was wrong about the course of action I have taken.
+ Should I have written that letter to my parents?
+ Should I have confronted them?
+ I was watching a TV programme - I think Brothers and Sisters - where there was a line where a mum said that their job was to raise their kids as best as possible and hope that when the kid is old enough, they would forgive them for the mistakes that they had made in their parenting.
+ Should I have shut up and just forgiven my parents for their mistakes?
+ Somehow I feel connected to their hurt. The hurt that I raised in them.

So I have spoken (or rather written) about it. I have turned off comments, not because I don't value your comments, but rather because, well to be honest I am scared of getting a comment that will hurt me. Sorry. I don't think any of you would say anything intentionally like that. Its just I am sensitive right now. And I don't want anyone to confirm my worst fears.

If any new blogger doesn't know the context to this post, go digging into my archives, mainly from Nov 07.

Otherwise, please feel free to pop into the post below!! I like the rainbow. I like connecting to nature. Nature is a constant in life. A changing landscape, but a constant nonetheless.

Random Thoughts

2009-05-09T21:32:00.002+01:00

This first picture...
Look at it and what do you see?

Now look at it upside down.
Now what do you see?

I like this picture because it carries the message that what is a big cake to us, may only be a small piece of cake to another.

I think that forgetting this is a common mistake in our every-day assumptions.

Lastly a picture that I took last night from my back garden. It was absolutely amazing to see a double rainbow. It is not as brilliant here, as it was with the naked eye.

Choose Life

2009-05-06T23:00:00.004+01:00

I have had a real bad few weeks. I have, to an extent, been on a semi self destruct. And all over the place. Someone today gave me a "good talking to." A bit of a kick up the ass yet at the same time some positive strokes. They were honest with me. I just held up my hands and said "yeh." I appreciate it that they cared enough about me to speak to me. In fact I have a warm place in my heart that this guy cares about me enough to notice.

But I am not going to blog about the shit in my life. It is locked up in me and I appreciate I need to write it out. But not tonight. I acknowledge that I have been an arse lately, You know yes, I can be an arse. But I have smooth with the rough and in the round I am alright (I think!)

The root of my latest disturbance is my thoughts about family.

I know life is choice. And you have to choose life. (Wasn't that a Wham! slogan in the 80s?) And I have so many questions about life. To an extent I need to suck it up. But not at the same time, if you get what I mean. I promise you my heart is in the right place, though it is not always apparent. A few people can vouch for me though.

I'm blarbing. I wanted to just say now that I feel excited. Excitement hasnt featured much in my life of late. But Mrs K and I are going to Rome on the 25th for 5 days. I have never been to Italy. I am currently reading Dan Browns's "Angels & Demons" as someone told me it will bring Rome to life. And I am going to see me football team - Manchester United - play Barcelona in the European Cup final. How special is that. I dare not dream of us winning it.

I am not happy with my life. But I am excited about going to Rome. That is a good thing.

I hope you all have something to be excited or thrilled about in your lives...

Trains, Planes....

2009-05-04T02:47:00.003+01:00

When I take off in an aeroplane, I always study the ground. It is so amazing how the big world in front of us quickly disappates into a small speck.

And as you come into land. The cars on the motorways are like ants, moving along the terrain.

And that is all we are folks. Just meaningless ants in a meaningless world just running around in useless activity.

I defy any of you to give me proof otherwise.

Yes folks. We are just ants (killer, red or plain garden variety) just sprinting around in our own little worlds. And meaningless.

Displaced anger

2009-05-01T22:03:00.003+01:00

Its been quite a tiring week really. At least in the UK we have a bank holiday weekend so no work 'til tuesday.

I spent the first part of the week really angry. So angry it was chewing my insides up. So angry that I couldnt really do anything other than think about my anger. I read an email first thing when I returned to work on monday which sent me into orbit and my boss wasnt in until wednesday for me to speak to him about it.

Come wednesday morning I realised that how I felt was disproportionate to what was the issue I had within the email. I decided that maybe the anger I felt was displaced anger.

I had a reaction of anger to the card from my parents I think.

So I feel somewhat emotionally drained now.

Belgium Duck

2009-04-26T19:26:00.004+01:00

Got back from Brussels today. We had an ok break; Belgium is pretty wheelchair inaccessible so that wasn't good. I was thinking maybe I should start writing an access guide to different European cities.

I took some photo's which I may post later in the week and of course, my obligatory piccies to add to my collection of ducks of the world, though as you can see at the end of the post, this one is a little different (plum sauce not shown Lynn.)

Picked the doggies up from kennels (they have lost quite a bit of weight) and have given them loads of treats and cuddles this afternoon to try and make up for it. They went and rolled in a load of fox poo so I guess we are even now! Boy even after washing them, they still stink.

My parents sent me a birthday card whilst I was away. They wished me happy birthday, told me they think of me every day, and wished me health and happiness. All my old feelings seemed to crash back on me. Mrs K told me to put it out of my mind. Unfortunately I am not very good at that. I feel this weight on my shoulders, amongst other things.

Anyway, back to Belgium duck...

Happy Birthday to ME!!

2009-04-24T00:01:00.000+01:00

Normally I am reserved, this year not!

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday dear me
Happy Birthday to me

Holly has started to eat!

2009-04-20T20:38:00.003+01:00

Well I managed to upload one of the panoramics I created, but another just wouldnt upload. This piccie (click on it for an enlarged view) is of Lake Alster.

Now to the good news. Holly has started to eat!! Yeah! Not much but she is eating. The kennels said that they have to walk away cos she wont eat in front of them, but then they espy her sneaking some food when she think their backs are turned. They are feeding her little and often. Unfortunately she isnt having any of her medication but we dont want them to force the painkillers down her.

Phew.

Also, they are amazed by Bens behaviour. Apparently he is lifting up the entire dogs bowl off the floor, carrying it to his bed, and eating there. He obviously enjoys his breakfast in bed!

Thank-you for your kind comments in the post below. Please feel free to party on friday, but I am afraid it now looks like I will be absent as the trip to Brussels is now back on. Sorry! I quite liked the sound of a virtual birthday cake.

Enola, you asked for an update on the taxi's parking in the disabled bays at our local station. Basically the last three times that we have gone to the station - no taxi's. Maybe the council has had a word. (They didnt reply back to me.) Alright one of these times had the bays bollarded off cos Prince Charles was paying a visit to Chester in the Royal Train (!!) But I didnt mind.

Hamburg

2009-04-19T21:01:00.008+01:00

Just got back from Hamburg. I am afraid I only got two hours to see what I could of the city on Saturday (was over their as Mrs K's carer - she was there doing something I wont go into on the blog.) and in the evening I felt quite ill (de-hydration I think) and went to bed early.

I took some photo's, I'll share a couple now and maybe post some more later in the week. I took a series to form a panoramic so I'll have to stitch them together first. (Mads, do you remember you showed me how?)

This is the Alster Lake...

Hamburg duck (and still no orange sauce Lynn.)
And I like this happy scene from the DOM fairground. I wanted to go on some rides but wasn't well enough.

Sometimes I think we we go through periods when things go well. Other periods when they don't and you just have to keep your head down. I think this is one of those times as everything around me is going wrong.

It seems Holly may be ill again. The dog kennels say she hasn't eaten since she went in on Friday. And Ben is joing her on hunger strike. She can be fussy and stubborn if she has a bee in her bonnet. They are booked in the kennel until next Sunday as we are meant to be going to Brussels on Wednesday.

Anyway, we have decided to give it to Tuesday. I dont want to go there and unsettle them. So if she hasn't eaten by Tuesday then I am going to pick them up and not go to Brussels. The dogs come first. Unfortunately Mrs K has a commitment and has to go.

I will let you know what happens. But if I stay then it will just be me, Ben and Holly to celebrate my birthday on Thursday. So I hope you will pop on by too, to keep me company.

Six things

2009-04-16T20:13:00.005+01:00

1. No simple DIY job ever turns out to be simple.
We had a new dishwasher arrive this week. I unplumbed the old one and just had to attach the cold water hose, the waste hose and insert the plug into the socket. Easy. Not! It took me numerous attempts to make sure I had a good seal on the cold water hose. Kept leaking.

2. Ray wings (fish) smells like piss when it is cooked.
Me and Mrs K thought we would try a new fish. It really smells of piss when cooked. We ended up throwing it out and having a bowl of cereal instead.

3. Mrs K bought me a new watch for my birthday.
I have been coveting it for a while. I have given up paying the mortgage off early for instant gratification instead! I bought Mrs a new bracelet for her birthday.

4. We are off to Hamburg for the weekend.
Never been there before.

5. A silly joke.
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

6. Another silly joke.
What happens if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Pot-holes all over Australia.

Adrift

2009-04-10T18:59:00.005+01:00

I think I may have had a bit of an epiphany of sorts. Well that's probably sounds a bit dramatic. I have just realised a pattern of behaviour in me.

If you, reader, understand TA theory, well I think my life script revolves around
I am not worth listening to. I am not being listened to. What I have to say is being ignored. And my racket feeling is anger with self?

The post below may be a case in point in terms of an example of my racket feeling.

I perceive that I am being ignored / not listened to a lot in my life of late. And I am hyper-sensitive to it. Note I say perceive, I am not saying that is what is actually happening.

[I may write more on this later.]

Getting the black crayon out

2009-04-09T19:49:00.004+01:00

So I am sat here at my laptop with a post to write.

Don't get me wrong, its not that I am forcing myself to write for writings sake. Or because I feel a need to have to post. But rather I have come to realise that writing is my release. The place of expression for me. I can dump on my blog and walk away and feel somewhat better. I want a release right now. But I am struggling to just express what is swirling around. I have sat at this laptop every night feeling angst that I just have been unable to write.

So I am just going to keep typing and see where it takes me. Lynn, I laughed at you saying I should get my crayon out and go wild! So here I go wild?

I must say I have been rather moody / short tempered of late. I think I am frustrated. That frustration came out on Wednesday morning. I was driving into work and I was so much in my own world that I missed the turning off the dual-carriageway. Mrs K was with me as she was taking the car after. She got cross as to why I missed the turning. Its like the frustration burst out of me. I was so angry with myself. I took both hands and slammed them into my head repeatedly. (Yes I was still driving.) Then I slammed my hand into the driving wheel repeatedly. Its like I get angry but also so frustrated that I just cant express myself. Mrs K was shouting at me which made my frustration a whole heap worse. I just wanted to get away.

I have become stupidly obsessed with using all the spare cash we have to pay off extra off the mortgage. I want to be mortgage free. Mrs K asked me what I want for my birthday. I said to pay more off our mortgage. I covet this really nice watch I have seen. But I wont tell her cos I don't want the money spent. Yet at the same time I do. But I worry that one day I will lose my job and how would we pay the mortgage?

Then there is a lot of death around me at the moment. It is more than I would statistically expect. My next door neighbours grandchild is terminal now and expected to die in the next couple of days. She is ten years old. Someone else I know, their godchild was hit by a train whilst they were walking across a level-crossing. He was listening to his ipod and hence distracted. I know someone else whose husband just suicided and also a mother who lost her daughter and in-laws in a car crash, whilst she was on holiday. In some respects it puts life into perspective. Or does it? I do feel somewhat guilty that I am not living mine better.

See. I told you I am a grumpy sod.

Note to self

2009-04-08T10:01:00.000+01:00

(Posted from my blackberry whilst waiting for a meeting)

1. Don't feel so overwhelmed by the amount of unread posts on your RSS feeder and get around to visiting your friends blogs.

2. Try and unfreeze your writers block by letting the child inside write and don't worry about what she has to say. (Though she is being rather a brat at the moment, a bad tempered, whingey sod. )

Early morning, April 4,

2009-04-04T01:22:00.005+01:00

Which leads to...

Fuck the revolution

No more.

Wipe your tears away.

Which leads to...

Gloria,
G L O R I A

Unblocked, writers block

2009-04-03T22:56:00.003+01:00

Sometimes life throws you certain messages from different directions.

I guess I am hearing two main themes

1. "live in the here and now."
2. It is easy to make assumptions about people and their lives which are just plan untrue.

In terms of the first theme, I have heard it from two main directions.

The first, is from work. In the last few weeks, four people I know have had "loved ones" / close family members, die tragically - and in two cases horrifically - and suddenly out of the blue from non natural causes. It seems like it is more that I would statistically expect to know in such a short period. It ha made me pause for a second.

The second direction relates to my birthday this month. At the moment I have been on a mission. It seems I am intent on squirreling away as much of our cash as possible each month to pay off extra lump sums off our mortgage, that I told Mrs K that I didn't want a birthday pressie. I would rather the money goes on paying our debts. When I told someone at work they told me I was crazy. "Just pay your mortgage bill each month and enjoy the rest of your pay," they said. Instead I want to pay three times my mortgage payment. Oh to be debtless. But isn't that boring?

In terms of the second theme, someone I know who I thought was a tough cookie, was in fact abused as an adult in their home life. And then I thought the person that I am, I hide from the people I know at work. And then I thought about you, my blogger-friends, about what you share on your blogs and wonder whether those around you in RL see the same 'real' person that you share with us?

Life.

Life is strange.

And life is wonderous too I think, maybe.
Tomorrow I am going to share good quality time with my dogs.
Who adore me with all of their heart.

I am around but have severe writers block lol!

2009-04-03T20:37:00.005+01:00

so if you have any idea's for a blog post, then please let me know!

<

Food for thought

2009-03-22T20:29:00.003Z

I was talking to someone at work this last week about my career and he asked me

1. what do you want?
2. what price are you willing to pay to achieve it?

These are questions that can be applied to a lot of area's of our lives I think.
They are tough, but important questions.

In my working life, I think I find question two the toughest to answer.
In my personal life, question one is definately the tough one.

**************
I have been observing myself with interest these last few days to try and work out how I feel with all the ado about mothering sunday (today in the uk.) Must say zip feelings from me on that one. Oh well. I do keep questioning myself as to why.

Dennen na narrrrrrr...

2009-03-22T19:07:00.002Z

Finished!

Getting up off my butt

2009-03-21T21:18:00.004Z

In 2006 I built a wonky wall to house the earth that I dug up from a patio I was laying.

To hide its wonkyness (bricking is hard you know!) I decided to wood clad it.

Today I finally thought, this weekend I will get round to finishing it.

I am determined that spring and summer 2009 will be a period where I get off my butt and finish all those unfinished DIY jobs that litter my house and garden.

I first spoke of my wonky wall here in May 2007.

I posted some piccies when I first started the cladding, but for the life of me I cant find them. Maybe I should tag my posts in some sort of logical order! Oh well.

Anyway, I finished cladding all the sides of the wall (one length I did last year) and all that remains is the capping on top. Hopefully tomorrow, rather than next year!

This piccie is after I have just started the length of the wall...

And (a feeling better) Holly is in on the act.
This is when it is finished..

Yea for me!

Truth or liberty?

2009-03-18T22:07:00.003Z

When my mind wanders off, I sometimes find myself pondering what I would do in certain situations.

This man today had his life sentence quashed by the court of appeal.

In short, we was convicted 27 years ago of the rape and murder of a woman, at a time when dna was still unbenown to us all.

They finally got around to testing the samples kept from the murder and the evidence proved he was in fact innocent, as he always maintained.

He could have been out on parole many many years ago, if he had admitted guilt.
He chose instead to maintain his innocence. And he was innocent.

Truth was more important to him, than his liberty.

I was left thinking that I think I would have said I was guilty (even though I was inncocent) just to secure my freedom. Clearly I wouldnt really know unless I was in that situation, but that was my inkling.

Mrs K said she would maintain her innocence.

What do you think you would have done?

Another odds and sods posts

2009-03-12T22:51:00.002Z

1. Holly ate one third of a can of dog food (special sensitive stomach food from the vets) today. Yippee! No-where near her normal ration of two cans a day, but she is eating! We are taking her back to the vets in the morning. The main thing for me is she seems to have her spirit back. I love her very much and we - Mrs K and I - were so scared the other night that we were going to lose her. She is ten (in answer to your question Laurie) but she has constant medication for her hip displacia and we dont think she will make old bones.

2. I received a reply from the council to my email. They said - subject to resource limitations - that they would look into doing something about these taxi drivers and that they will get back to me. So watch this space. I am thinking if starting a web-page called 'name and shame' (only kidding.) Non-blue badge holders parking in reserved parking bays really presses my buttons!!!

3. I bawled my eyes out monday night. Not something I do often. Mrs K remarked yesterday that I seemed much better for it. Yes that is true. We laughed about it. I am better after a good cry! I can really bottle things up. Things have to get really bad for me to use this means of expression though. But it was catarthic.

A follow up email to the council

2009-03-10T21:42:00.003Z

I sent this tonight (see my post two below for context)

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am writing further to my email of 8/3/09 and with regard to the two blue badge parking bays outside Chester Station.

Again, this morning the 10th March at c.815am, I was unable to park in either of the two blue badge bays at Chester station as Taxi's were parked in them.

I attach the photographic evidence from this morning.

I look forward to your response.

Regards

2009-03-09T19:16:00.002Z

A woman at work was on holiday with her partner. I guess a welcome break following her chemotherapy treatment. Their 6 year old daughter was staying with his folks.

Yesterday the daughter, her grandmother and great-aunt were killed in a road crash on Merseyside.

If you are a religious person then please pray for them. If you are not, then please keep them in your thoughts anyway.

And please, all of you be careful out there.